August 22nd 12:20pm
I am extremely sad. I can’t stop crying. My dad is very sleepy today and we don’t know why yet. Im home alone right now because my mom is at the hospital. Haven’t stopped crying for 3 days straight. Life is horrible right now and i wish no one would ever have to experience anything like this ever. I have a few ok moments but it’s mostly me crying alone. My Mom seems strong but I honestly don’t know how she’s actually doing. We are both feeling very lost right now. I’m having a lot of anxiety about if something ever happened to my Mom and what I’d do.
August 23rd 2:30pm
On my way to a friend’s house. Feeling better than yesterday. Trying not to be alone and trying to be as distracted as possible. Had a few sad moments today, but being outside of the house is good.
August 25th 3pm
Saw my Dad today. It was so upsetting but we had a much needed conversation. I really wanted to tell him I love him and I got to do that. He started crying and I felt really bad that I had to go. It feels like I’m living in a movie about cancer. Every emotion just feels so strong. Although it’s been an emotional day, I am definitely happy that I said what I did and that my Dad knows how I feel.
August 27th 7:30am
Woke up feeling pretty good but a little tired. Went to make some tea and grabbed the mug with an “M” on it and realized I bought it for my Dad which made me a little sad. In a way I was happy though because I know he would want me to use his mug.
September 15th 6:30am
Where did the time go, we found out yesterday he has weeks left. The thought occurred to me that he will never be coming home again. My Mom and I are trying to keep it together by eating healthy & exercising but it doesn’t help much. Sleep has been a struggle lately and my neck and shoulders have been in a lot of pain. Studying has been hard since my mind has been wandering a lot. Going to try going back to sleep.
September 16th 2:25pm
Just got home from the hospital. We found out he has less then 1 week left, but most likely 2 days of being awake. I kept googling things you are supposed to ask someone before they die, but I could not think of what I wanted to know. I decided to ask him his biggest secret. He told me. When I asked if there’s anything he wants me to know he said “I’m an idiot and I love you to death.” It was sad but also warmed my heart.
September 17th 10:05am
Today feels different for some reason. I’m going to visit dad at 12 today and I usually dread going but today I’m looking forward to it. We spent around 4 hours together yesterday and just talked and told stories, it was really nice. Not sure what I’m going to say today but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I’ve been thinking about the Jewish holidays a lot lately, Rosh Hashana is coming up soon. I can’t believe it’s in one day and I don’t even know if my Dad will make it. A very weird thing to process.
September 18th 11:20am
Currently at the hospital. The past few times I’ve been, he has tried really hard to stay awake and spend time with me. Today he said he was really tired and is currently sleeping. I can’t stop wondering if he will ever wake up. Hoping he does.
September 22nd 8:30am
Woke up feeling decent this morning. I was so angry yesterday, never been more angry in my life. They said it would likely be days for him live, then the doctor said we actually might have weeks. All I could think was how can this be dragged on even more. Trying to take this one day at a time but it’s really hard. At least more of the family will get to visit him and I can spend more time with him.
September 27th 10:40pm
Time keeps going by so slow and fast at the same time. I’ve been trying to go to sleep early which has made me feel better during the day. Tonight I can’t sleep for some reason. I can’t get over the fact that my Mom, Dad and I might never be together as us three ever again because of the stupid pandemic. I haven’t stopped feeling on edge for so long now I don’t even remember what it was like to feel normal. I hate that it’s starting to get dark early too.
September 28th 4:50pm
At the hospital right now. Dad is really confused. He knows what’s going on for one second then the next he’s confused again. He said to me today “Bec why don’t you order a drink?” I asked “You can order drinks at the hospital?” He said “Yeah, but don’t get more than 3 because they can get expensive.” I thought it was funny because he is always offering people drinks but also sad because I don’t know if he will ever not be confused again.
September 29th 1:50pm
Not visiting the hospital today, I need a day off. Apparently Dad was really confused today again and the doctor thinks it’s a result of the cancer spreading more. I’ve been in a really bad mood today and have been finding it extremely frustrating that my friends don’t understand this at all. I don’t expect them to know what to say but it still really gets annoying.
September 30th 4:50am
Woke up at 2 and haven’t been able to fall back asleep. I’m feeling really really anxious tonight. I keep dreading the possibility of the hospital calling in the middle of the night and having to go say our last words. It’s stressful because there’s also the possibility that won’t happen. The unknown is freaking me out.
October 5th 1:45pm
Didnt see Dad today, trying to study and focus on myself a little more. Woke up and did a workout which felt good. Trying to study, but it’s hard to focus again. Found out Dad pooped himself at 5am this morning. He doesn’t have control of his blatter anymore which is just another step down. The new prognosis is weeks but who really knows.
October 12th 8:55pm
Today is thanksgiving and I’m feeling suprisingly thankful. Really lucky to have such supportive friends and family. Went for a little birthday shop with Mom today that was nice. Feeling extremely anxious for my birthday and really hoping my dad doesn’t pass on my birthday. Hoping he will make it until I’m 20!
October 14th 4:15pm
At the hospital, Dad was barely awake today. He sort of said “Hi” then closed his eyes immediately after. I tried to wake him up about an hour later and he wont get up. It hit me a lot that he might never wake up again. Really sad today.
October 16th 5pm
Turned 20 today! Feeling bitter sweet. Happy I can now say I had 20 years with my Dad. Went to the hospital today and he had started mottling which is a really bad sign. He was pretty out of it today, but it was the last time I’ll probably be with him and my Mom while he’s still conscious so it was very special.
October 17th 10pm
Nights are the hardest. Family came over to celebrate my birthday tonight and it was really nice. Everyone went above and beyond this year and I got really nice gifts. It meant a lot. I felt really loved by having everyone over to celebrate. Honestly relieved my birthday is finally over and I can now say my Dad was alive for 20 years of my life.
October 19th 11:30am
Doctor said he probably has around 2 weeks or less left. She said she isn’t sure though since he’s still young. Today he wasnt able to grip onto anything and he’s barely eating, mostly drinking. Doctor said food is for pleasure not for nutrition.
October 20th 1am
It just happened. He just passed. Ive been anticipating this for so long. What the heck. I feel so numb right now how am I not even crying.
October 20th 3:40pm
Felt like writing again today. I have received so many kind messages and it feels really nice to have all this support. I feel so ok right now it’s weird. I haven’t felt this normal in 2 months. I don’t have a sick father anymore, that’s crazy. As much as I miss him I feel a huge weight off my shoulders.
October 21st 10:25am
It’s now been 24hrs since he’s been gone, so crazy. It feels like the moment the nurse said “he just took his last breath” was so long ago. I’m feeling ok today, very busy planning the funeral and shiva. Surprised how ok i feel, I think a lot of the grieving happened before he passed.
October 23rd 4am
Woke up at 3 and can’t go back to sleep. The funeral was yesterday, there are no words to describe it. I honestly don’t feel super sad right now. For the past hour I’ve just been thinking about all our memories together and all the things he taught me. I miss him.
October 24th 10am
Feeling pretty good this morning. Trying to be productive and plan some school things. I keep thinking about him in the back of my mind but I know this is exactly what he would want me to be doing.
October 25th 8:20pm
Shiva ended today, definitely anxious about getting back to life and finding my new normal. Gonna try to start some new positive habits. Hoping this will be a chill week.
October 26th 10:30am
In a lecture right now. It’s kinda weird going back to normal but also feels really good. I have sort of a longing feeling mostly just wishing he was here, but still feeling a huge weight off my shoulders and happy I do not have to go to the hospital everyday.
October 29th 11pm
I have been finding it hard to write lately, really trying to live again and not be on my phone so much. I find myself thinking about him often, but not for long periods of time. Someone will say something and I’ll think “oh he would find that funny,” or I’ll eat something and think “he would really like this.” Been missing him a lot lately, but also happy to live again.
November 2nd 1:35pm
The first thing I thought when I woke up this morning is that it has been exactly 2 weeks without him now. My Mom and I are doing pretty well and really appreciating life without a sick person at home. I still think about him everyday but not in a sad way. The impacts of covid are definitely hitting hard now because all I want to do is go out and have fun with my friends.
November 4th 7:30pm
I’ve been extremely busy lately. I’ve had some type of Zoom event almost every night this week. I really have a new appreciation for life and I’ve decided I am not wasting any time. Thinking about him everyday has inspired me to work as hard as he did.
November 10th 11:20am
Haven’t felt like writing in a while. I still think about him everyday, but not as often. Lately I haven’t felt like talking about it at all, I just want to enjoy life. The weather has been really nice the past few days which has been keeping my mood up. Doing surprisingly well, still keeping really busy.
Although my story is not over, I want to say thanks to all the people in my life who have been here to support me. I would not be ok without all of you. Below I wrote some advice for anyone who’s going through something similar.
- Know the facts. When your loved one is sick don’t turn a blind eye. Listen to the doctors and do your research about the sickness. Your mind will assume it’s worse then it is. Knowing what’s happening is hard, but not knowing is worse.
- To be a better caregiver you need to take care of yourself. How are you supposed to take care of your loved one if you can’t even take care of yourself? Take some time off, relax. You don’t need to live at the hospital.
- Cry. Do NOT be afraid to cry in-front of people. Crying is not weakness. Vulnerability is a strength.
- There is no “right way” to handle things. Do what makes YOU happy, other people’s judgement doesn’t matter. It’s your story, no one understands what you’re going through but you.
- Guilt is a stupid emotion. Why should anyone feel guilty for having happy moments. This is an emotional roller coaster, cherish the ups.
- It’s your deck of cards. Throughout this process I’ve learned that life gives you a deck of cards, but it’s up to you on how you play them.
- Mental health is a full time job. Being happy takes work. See a therapist, see your friends, take time for yourself, but put in work. Never stop eating, sleeping, and exercising.
- Focus on what you DO have, not what you DON’T have. Practice gratitude, it’s important. You are loved and cared for.
- It’s no one’s fault. Dont think of how things could be different, or what you could’ve done. It is what it is and it’s not about the past, it’s how you move forward.
- Take it easy. Going through this is tough, it’s enough you have to deal with that on it’s own. Talk to yourself with kind words. Don’t be hard on yourself.
- Be flakey. Don’t be afraid to cancel on plans. People who are truly there for you will understand and support you. You can’t control how you feel each day and sometimes you might just not be up for it.
- Today is today. Be mindful. Don’t always think about the future, live in the present. Tomorrows problem is not todays problem.
- You will never win the suffering olympics. Remember this one. Someone will always have it worse than you, and if they can get through it, so can you.
- You need support. When people say “is there anything I can do?” Tell them yes. This is one of those times you really need friends and family.
- Live through others. Listen to your friends and family, and live through their accomplishments. Since your life is likely on pause right now, remember that you helped your loved ones get where they are today. Their accomplishments are your accomplishments. Be happy with them.
- Make a list. Everything is worse inside your head, writing lists will keep you grounded. Lists will help you sort out your emotions and make everything more manageable.
- You are allowed to be happy and sad at the same time. Just because you are going through something hard, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the little things too.
- Healing takes time. Remember that this is an ongoing healing process. Although you will never fully heal, the sadness will eventually turn into happiness as you remember the person you loved.
Please do not hesitate to reach out to me if you have any questions or just want to talk ❤
